When I was eighteen I was so sure I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to act. I wanted to perform. I would go to drama school, train and that would be it. Someone would notice me and I would get what I want. I knew it would be hard but I knew that I wanted it so it didn’t matter.
Skip forward six years and everything is a little less clear. I have my degree. I got to do what I wanted for four years but over that time everything got a little bit more complicated. Life became real and decisions became harder to make. I admire the people that knew what they wanted and as soon as they graduated they went after it but I just wasn’t sure so instead of going into the big wide world with all guns blazing, I did almost nothing. I worked, went traveling, came back and now I’m working again. I have always been extremely ambitious to do ‘great’ things with my life, the trouble is I now have no idea what that means.
Honestly I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’m so scattered and I just wish that I could wake up one day knowing exactly what I want so I could go after it but I just don’t.
Some days I feel like going back to my roots, auditioning my butt of to try and properly crack into the acting industry. I know I could give it a shot if I wanted it enough but do I? Some days I want to become a TV producer, I love media and I love writing. I could do that. Then other days I want to completely retrain, perhaps in Law or Politics. I used to want to become a Barrister and somehow that got lost. Other days I just want to travel, to save up and just go. Explore every inch of what this world has to offer because you’re only young once (YOLO anyone?). This is an insight into my mind at the moment. I probably sound terribly narcissistic but I am so scared I will feel like this forever and never make a decision however I am also so scared I will make the wrong decision and regret it forever. Conflicted much?
Social media doesn’t help; I go online and see variations of ‘OMG I got my dream job. Dreams can come true. #neverstopbelieving.’ You get the point? I tell myself that it’s ridiculous because people only post what they want you to see and usually the more people post the more plain their lives actually are. However it still sucks and gives you that sinking feeling that makes you think ‘Well…what am I doing?’
I tell myself this is normal and deep down I know it is. I know that most graduates feel like this. The lucky ones fall into jobs they like or they know what they want to do but most of us feel a bit lost at least for the first year after we have left. It doesn’t mean that you will do this forever, I know that and in some way I think it’s a good thing. If you have more than one thing you are passionate about it means that you have more avenues to discover, more ways to fail but even more ways to succeed.
I like to think that I will figure it all out and get together some kind of plan but I have no idea when that will happen. One thing I do know is that I won’t let myself get complacent. I know that no matter what I end up doing I want it to matter. I want to do something that is important and although I have changed a lot since I was that 18 year old starry eyed teenager, that hasn’t changed. So whether I end up as a: writer, actor, lawyer, producer, casting director, politician or full time procrastinator I know that it will matter because it will matter to me.
I don’t know if any of this will resonate with anyone but if any of you are conflicted about what you are doing with your life, know that it’s okay and you aren’t the only one. You’ll get there eventually. It is okay to take time to think about what you want and it’s okay to want to do more than one thing. Life is about exploring as many things as you can and if you have to do a few things before you get to what you really want it just means you have had experiences that someone else hasn’t.
What decisions are you trying to make about your future and have they changed since you were younger?
Stay Strong xoxoxo